At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
