so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
