I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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