I could make wine with my vomit
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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