so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
