Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
