Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
