Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
