My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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