I think I won the penis lottery.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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