Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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