Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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