I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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