help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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