Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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