dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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