I'm eating all of the evidence.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
