Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
