My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
