I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
