my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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