So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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