Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
