White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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