So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
