You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
