Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We need a shit load of segways right now
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
