My liver just broke up with me...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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