Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Randomize
