there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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