yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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