when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
