Soap is not a condiment
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
