I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
