watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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