You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
