I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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