I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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