I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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