i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
