I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
