you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
