Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Couch. On fire.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
