He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
