cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
