Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
