So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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