the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I need to align my fucking chakras
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
