Don't make out with my wife yet
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
