I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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