Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he fucked my hip out of place.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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