Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
