I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize