Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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