I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
