Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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