And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
