Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
