your thong is hanging out like whoa
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
