So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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