I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize