It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
