I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
